drowningBut now, I have once again found inspiration to write, though this is sort of a step backwards...
I've been struggling lately. A lot. Since I started middle school, I'd always managed to scrape by in my classes, just barely passing; not from stupidity but from sheer laziness. After five years of that, I decided that that was enough. So this year, my 11th grade year, I decided to actually give a shit about my grades. And as it turns out I really am just as smart as I'd been telling myself I am, and in that department everything is going pretty smoothly. Hell, my dad's even proud of me this year.
All well and good, yes?
Too bad that this attitude apparently now applies to everything I do--this need to show off and appeal to my superiors. I can feel it slowly squeezing all of what little I had amassed as 'myself' out into the ether. I'm snarky to my friends, I can't trust anybody any more, and I always have to sit there and redefine what it means to be 'me' whenever I try and create something. It's killing me.
My art is suffering. My relationships with people I care about are suffering. My state of mind is deteriorating. But I don't want to give up my success at school. I'm smart again, my parents are proud of me, my future is clearing up. Why do I feel like this? In order for me to succeed, do I have to sell my soul? Is that what this is?
I'd been thinking that it'd all become clear to me, that all of a sudden all of the pieces would fall into place again. But lately... I feel like I'm missing too many pieces. I've been trying on old things that I used to love and new things that seem to have potential bit nothing seems to fit me anymore.
I've always held on to the principle that if you just wait it out, that somehow everything will work out to a better solution. Even if it rains for a hundred years, the sun will eventually shine again, right?
But what if we all drowned in the flood?
Miserable
Devious Comments
Valor
Do not take life's experiences too seriously. Above all, do not let them hurt you because in reality, are but dreams. In playing your role in life, never olivides but this is not a role. If the circumstances in which you find are negative and you must bear, do not let them become part of you. Any loss that you experience in this world can actually be a loss to your soul. Thus, trust in God and rejects any pressured, because this paralyze your esperzos to achieve success and will attract to you those precise condition which you fear. The whole of nature operate in your favor if you are in harmony with God. And through your own realization of this truth, you will become the master of your own destiny.
-Paramahansa Yogananda
I hope it helps ^^
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“Choice is neither given nor taken. Choice is what we make, what Fate forces on to us. What we dare to challenge and defy…” - Rumak Septum-
Member of: ~lokclan and ~The-Red-Raven-Tavern
Ego Development Outcome: Identity vs. Role Confusion
Basic Strengths: Devotion and Fidelity
Up to this stage, according to Erikson, development mostly depends upon what is done to us. From here on out, development depends primarily upon what we do. And while adolescence is a stage at which we are neither a child nor an adult, life is definitely getting more complex as we attempt to find our own identity, struggle with social interactions, and grapple with moral issues.
Our task is to discover who we are as individuals separate from our family of origin and as members of a wider society. Unfortunately for those around us, in this process many of us go into a period of withdrawing from responsibilities, which Erikson called a "moratorium." And if we are unsuccessful in navigating this stage, we will experience role confusion and upheaval.
A significant task for us is to establish a philosophy of life and in this process we tend to think in terms of ideals, which are conflict free, rather than reality, which is not. The problem is that we don't have much experience and find it easy to substitute ideals for experience. However, we can also develop strong devotion to friends and causes.
It is no surprise that our most significant relationships are with peer groups.
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"Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values."
Ayn Rand
"People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight. All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it, don't sit looking at it - walk. "
Ayn Rand
"Show me your achievement, and the knowledge will give me courage for mine."
('The Fountainhead' 1943)
"The man who lets a leader prescribe his course is a wreck being towed to the scrap heap."
Ayn Rand
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Who's predictable? I am.
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"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. "
~Thomas Szasz
"Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor."
~Dr. Alexis Carrel
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~Anaïs Nin
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
~Henry David Thoreau
"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want. "
~Ben Stein
"Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen carefully. "
~Littlefoot's mother, Land Before Time
(I HAD TO)
SO ANYWAY. I had some more that I was thinking of, but this is long enough as is.
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Today i offer up myself to this, I'm living for my dying wish, I give it all...now there's a reason, there's a reason, to give it all.
also i like how you write that like a stats menu in a video game
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There are 10 kinds of people in this world;
those who understand binary code and those who don't.
CHECK IT
Beyond that, I don't have any idea anymore what I should have as my moral set and ideology. I had one that I thought was good, but all it ended up doing was crippling me. That being said, I don't want to pull a reverse Gio and abandon all of my F-y goals and ideals. It's really a balance issue. You know I suck with moderation. How the hell does one get better at moderation?
--
There are 10 kinds of people in this world;
those who understand binary code and those who don't.
CHECK IT
--
There are 10 kinds of people in this world;
those who understand binary code and those who don't.
CHECK IT
--
“Choice is neither given nor taken. Choice is what we make, what Fate forces on to us. What we dare to challenge and defy…” - Rumak Septum-
Member of: ~lokclan and ~The-Red-Raven-Tavern
I've never quite had you problem because usually I do well in school and have good grades and love my friends to death.
But in return, my art progress is non-existent. I haven't picked up a paintbrush since grade 10 art class.
I suppose you just have to manage your time. Lol, I used to have a schedule for things, like, "Spend about 3 hours with these people, do yer homework, then have me time." The "me" time always came last, because you interacted more with others than just with yourself. I don't have a schedule anymore, but my weekends are my Me time, and then I juggle friends and homework during the week.
Just set your priorities man.
What needs to be done comes first, and then whatever you feel like doing comes after. If I feel like I'm spending too much time on school work, I'll usually not give it my best, so I can finish up and go do the things I need to do.
I got on my comp to do a Physics lab actually, and that's due Monday. I better get on that.
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Inconceivable!
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Has anyone ever told you that you look like a sexy Helen Keller?
lost corinne is lost
so is anna ;__;
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Has anyone ever told you that you look like a sexy Helen Keller?
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